Welcome to the latest episode of Life In the Honeywagon where the sky is my office and it’s freshly carpeted with sleep deprivation! Matt and I wisely decided, since we had a 4:00 a.m. pick up anyway, NOT TO GO TO BED last night. I haven’t pulled an all nighter since college. We are a barrel of laughs right now.
So now I am ensconced on our flight preparing to bring you God only knows what. Everything seems so strange and hazy and sharply in focus at the same time. I feel drawn to stare at people with a befuddled yet intent expression. Is this what drugs feel like? I think I have the same exact expression on my face that Seth Rogen does in every single one of his movies.
Ah…..we are taking off, and the hum of the engine is fueling my creativi………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(3 hours have elapsed. Somehow we are in Frankfurt.)
No. No, no, no. WHY did I promise to write a blog post after being awake all night!? My burst of adrenaline has been eaten by a chasm of underachievement. I don’t want to write this AT ALL anymore. I’m so tired. And Lufthansa’s seats are so soft. Like Luft balloons.
My head is exploding. I JUST REALIZED, 30 years after that song was released, that “luft” must mean “red”? Why would anyone name their airline Red-hansa. What is a hansa? We’ve caught you red hansa-ded and we are forcing you to write a blog post.
UGH! I DO NOT WANT TO WRITE A BLOG POST. I’m changing the name of this blog post to the Top One Reason I Cannot Write This Blog Post.
- Because I can’t.
Sigh. Ok. I will try. I will carb fuel with a Bavarian Pretzel in the Frankfurt airport and press on.
Listen, first let me say this in case Hungarians are reading. WE LOVE YOUR COUNTRY. We have had such a delightful time exploring your cute little streets, eating at your outdoor cafes, and learning more about your history. Your architecture blows us out of the water. The fact that you have castles and things called Basilicas make us feel like we are in another century. I frequently feel I should introduce myself as the Duchess of Alpharetta. You’re wonderful people and you all know several languages which makes you smarter than us by far. BUT….. there’s just a few things you do differently that make it….. not home. Can you understand and not be offended? While we LOVE YOU……..we just need America right now and here are 10 reasons why. (Actually, it’s mainly because you people do not use ice ever. I don’t know how this can stand. Why has no one brought this up to Parliament, which by the way is absolutely the most beautiful building I’ve ever seen.)
THE TOP 10 REASONS MATT AND KELLY CAN’T WAIT TO FEEL AMERICAN SOIL (besides fountain drinks with ice)
10. The English Language: We were so gung-ho at the beginning to learn Hungarian and be all bi-lingual, but you guys, that language is just not learnable for real American people who only speak English. There are too many K’s. You have 4 different pronunciations of the letter O and another 4 for U. Seriously? Did you do that to keep children from talking? We do know some basic phrases, which endlessly amuse the Hungarian crew, and we can even understand some. But we just need to hear our native tongue. We want it to wash over us like a tsunami and drown in English words.
9. Free Pee: We (ok, I) want to go to the bathroom in public without paying for it. Having to go the bathroom as often as we (I) do is already pain enough. Having to search out the proper coinage to make it happen is just too much to ask of us (me.) WHY the train station doesn’t just charge an extra Euro per ticket to cover elimination remains baffling. Do you really need to keep a few jobs available for these people? Come ON. I am sure that when they are asked what they do for a living, they do not enjoy saying “I’m a pee money taker.” Set them free!
8. Normal electrical outlets: Having to have power converters to work our electrical appliance/phones/computers keeps me in a state of low-grade irritation. Especially because our ratio of power converters to things that need power converters is very unequal. We are constantly misplacing/transferring/borrowing each others converters so I am always raging around the apartment yelling “MAAAAAATTTTT!? DID YOU TAKE MY ROUNDY THING?” The idea of just plugging something into the actual wall without having to locate a separate roundy thing puts an expression on my face similar to one of the people in those videos who sees color or hears sound for the first time.
7. Driving: I have never gone so long without driving! Aside from our adventurous journey to Poland (which was so stressful that a pinched nerve in my neck caused me to lose all feeling in my arms the next day), I haven’t driven at all. We walk or take public transportation everywhere. This is urban and cool, but also exhausting. Sometimes you find yourself just not leaving the apartment because you don’t want to take two subways and a tram to the movie theatre. You want to just pull up next to the AMC and 5 minutes later be eating a large tub of buttered popcorn with Swedish Fish standing by. You want to pull into Publix and be able to ……speaking of Publix, OMG……..
6. Grocery Stores: Sweet baby Jesus and his brother James, I CAN’T WAIT TO GROCERY SHOP, American style. If you have followed me long enough, you understand what an incongruent statement this is. I frequently express my absolute distaste for the infinite chore of providing food for my family. But if it’s irritating in the states, multiply it by 100, and divide by “I’d like to die now” when you’re in Budapest. Not only can I not find anything familiar to cook, but the aisles are so small that when you slide by someone you also have to repent of adultery. You can only buy as much as you can carry (see Driving), and I’ve already told you about the bag sitch. As soon as I get home I am going to Publix and filling two entire carts with stuff I will never eat just because I CAN! There IS a large Tesco in Budapest, but again, it’s 2 trains and a half a mile walk away so let’s just starve instead. Also, it really wants to be Target, and is only a poor relation with no dowry, leading me to……
5. TARGET: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH TARGET. There is nothing anywhere like you, with all your clean, well organized, wide aisles filled with all the things all in the same place. No having to go to one place to find food, and another to find pharmaceuticals. I have yet to locate a bottle of Visine because by the time I’m done finding food and committing adultery, I’m just too tired. I’ve had chronic dry eye for two months. As soon as I get done at Publix, I am going to come and just lay down and do snow angels in the cough and cold aisle.
4. OUR KITTIES: This one is for Matt. I don’t actually miss the kitties. Or their monstrous jungle gym that is the eye sore of my living room. I don’t hate the kitties, either, so please don’t write me hateful emails about how can I not miss the kitties!? I have four kids who I’ve kept alive for a cumulative total of 65 years, OK? I don’t have room to love anyone else and anyone says that your heart grows to add more room or whatever is just lying. There is a finite amount of love room and I’ve reached it.
3. OUR PEOPLE: I’ve experienced this over and over as both an actress and a stage mom. Working on location is just isolating. You don’t have your people. And while you’re grateful as hell to be there at all, you’re silently dying of loneliness. There are no other kids regularly on this show and the adult cast never thinks to invite the kid cast to any fun outings and frankly, even when they do, they aren’t “your people” so that is still work. So basically, it’s just a lot of me. And a lot of Matt. Thank God for Sat the Set Tutor who provides at least some diversion. Hold days yawn ahead and you try to create fun and exciting adventures, but they are usually more exhausting than they are worth and make me feel like Julie the under-appreciated cruise director. We have an understanding that once we land on American soil, we will cease speaking to one another. Not out of hatred. We have just used up all our words. We will pass each other in the kitchen and pretend we didn’t see each other. No one in the family will question this.
2. FOOD: I’m sorry, Hungary. But I’m really Hungary. Due to #6, it’s just too hard to find things I want to cook in you. So we go out entirely too often. But it’s hard to find my American equivalents in your restaurants. I tried the goulash. And the goulash is good. But there is just an awful lot of meat. Not a lot of healthy choices. And OMG, a salad! A salad! My kingdom for a salad with a dressing I can recognize. When I get home, after I fill two carts with Publix groceries, and do snow angels at Target, we will be going to Sweet Tomatoes where I will lay atop a bed of Romaine and anoint myself with balsamic vinaigrette.
But before all of these activities……..on the way home from the airport even…………we will seize upon the #1 missed thing from the United States………a thing we cannot abide one more moment without……
CHICK FIL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
They have chicken. And sweet tea. And ICE!!!!! Lovely, large, styrofoam cups filled to the brim so that when you shake it you can’t even hear the liquid move!!!!!!
It’s the sole reason we made certain NOT to fly home on a Sunday.